godzvayne (godzvayne) wrote,
godzvayne
godzvayne

aghsdfh

for the last four months she has been running from me. maybe she was unhappy with me. I tried to make her happier, helli tried to talk to her, and she just ignored me...four months she has ignored me, never wanting to talk about anything in her mind...i always came to her...sometimes a little late, but within a month or two i came and laid everything out on the table with what i was ging through...and i only waited because i wanted to know what i was going through to be able to better help her understand...and she refused to listen or work things with me or give me her thoughts on what she might have wanted....so that unhappy together for a while excuse isnt going to work, because all she had to do was stop running and confront me sometimes...its not like i would have been pissed, i hardly ever react in anger to her...and when i did, i was calm about it...

But the last six weeks she lied to me, ignored me and refused anyhting i tried to give her, no matter how much i sacrificed or gave up for her, it was not good enough....anytime i tried to talk to her in a sensible manner, she refused that too, shed ignore me or run from me, or get pissed, or smoke weed...never wanting to figure anyhting out...and you know what? I tried...i tried fucking realllll hard...and she just blew it all away and said "Fuck you Justin, i dont care about you or our relationship, and i dont respect you enough to come be an adult and talk to you about anything"

SO i guess she hasnt wanted or cared about me or this relationship for awhile..and the worst part about it was i didnt see it coming...it sucks to give someone a part of you that you wouldnt give to anyone, and then on top of that, sacrifice almost all of yourself to try and make things easier on them, to make them happier....and then they just say its not good enough...or "i dont want to work things out, this guys making me happy...and i dont care to work things with you to try and make them better...."

And you know what? If she had been a little more grown up to try and talk to me and get through a rough spot, her and i could have been real happy together...but she didnt want to stand up and confront any issues she had with me..instead she got scared and ran away...as sensible of a person as i am, and as much as i understand things, she wouldnt even allow me the chance to say "Oh, ok, i see whats going on with you now, well what can i do to help this get gone?"

So she didnt want to sort things out with me, abused me by ignoring me...hell she said i always ignored her...but anytime she came to me i listened...and anytime she talked about how she was upset over something little I would tell her to stop being upset over it and to not let little things like that get to you, you need to be stronger....but anytime she came to me upset over something real, i was there..always.,...until lately, when she refused to talk to me about anyhting....

And now the finger of blame for everything is pointed at me? I tried to sort things out, to talk, to be an adult about things, to try and see the light and understand, no matter the toll it took on me....i gave her that because i love her and care about her and wanted to be there for her...and what did i get? The cold shoulder, some lame ass excuse, a lie, and then the middle finger...and now finally the blame? I dont agree with that...i fought my ass off for her and sacrificed a hell of a lot for her and all she did was kep giving herself excuses and run away...

So after the betrayal, the lies, the selfishness, the childishness, the stupidity...she left me broken and destroyed, and without a care in the world, except that cameron made her happy...well i can tell you this, anytime any problems come up, shes just gonna run...

And you know what? I grew up alot in the last three or four years...ive been forced to..ive taken on responsibilities that no teenager/kid should have, and i grew up alot...i dont mean im grown and fully mature.or that im the only one like this..but you know what? Everyone else was right...im the one thats always had my life together no matter the stones thrown my way, im the one that always sacrificed myself for those i cared about, im the one that has been living in a mans shoes since before i even knew her...so you know what? Her immaturity and the childish ways she handled herself, our relationship and me are no longer an excuse...and everyone i know agrees with me...so guess what? Time to stop running.

Im not pointing a finger at her, even though she never came and talked to me...and im not pointing the finger at me either...because this is by no means my fault because i worked my ass off to make things better....i point it partially at her, and partially at myself for refusing to see this coming after she fooled and betrayed me the first time...

Time to grow up christina, and nothing you are really doing is acting very mature. Go ahead, dont listen to me and scream i dont know you or that i dont know whats going on, or that i dont know anything, or make up some excuse or say that im immature or have some other defense mechanism or go get high or go be happy with him...say i keep running to your mom, when im not, i can just talk to her and she can talk to me when we actually do talk, and im not using her to get you back, so you and cameron can get that out of your minds..im not going to beg or get your goddamn mom to bring you back...thats stupid, sorry im close to your mom and feel as if she really is a second mom to me and sorry i like to be honest with her, shes always honest to me....i didnt deserve this....you know that, and you also know that i would have given the whole world to you if you came and asked me for it or talked to me about it...after all. i loved you enough to drop all my friends to be with you....and i never faulted you or got mad at you or was miserable for it....but now the misery is home for real...you refused to let me please you or make you happy, you refused to even TRY to work out things...all you did was run while i waited for you...and you know what? I shouldnt have done that...but i know what real love is, and i know that it takes work and that its not perfect, i know that people arent perfect and i loved your flaws...i know that being in love is hard and full of good and bad times...and i know that my love for you was never ending...and still is, and i would have worked through anyhting with you because my entire being was in you...and i know that when shit goes bad and one is in love and things are worked out, it only makes the relationship stronger....but you didnt want to accept real love, you wanted fairy tale land, and you know what?

It doesnt exist. I love you and always will, and even though its hard, i forgive you for all the wrongs you have done me. Why? Because I love you, and because i know that its better to forgive and move on than sit in reprisal. I may be depressed and feel like commiting suicide, but i never fault you for the way i feel...i lvoe you, and may you grow up some and live a better life...life is not easy and nothing comes on a silver spoon like you've had it so far...so i hope you learn that one valuable lesson...but no matter what i will always love you, and you will always have that piece of me i refused to give to anyone..even to you at first. he may tell you exactly what you want to hear and it may seem real comforting to you, but in the end, when life slaps you in the face like it did to me, you will understand. because it slapped me with the harshness months ago.
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