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Death Wearing A Disguise

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

9:32PM - lkdk

first time ive been on this for awhile, but nobody reads it....so its safe

It just seems like life keeps makin turns for the worst lately

And i cant even get back to school

Can anything else go wrong?

For fucks sake man

BTW

Himsa rules

Friday, July 13, 2007

3:16PM - fucked up

i never said she fucked me over, just that she left me for cameron and that i was depressed and that i didnt understand. And now she goes through my myspace and sends out a message talking shit. But whatever man, i dont ever go through her shit and i wont, because its none of my business what the fuck she does, none at all. But to deny it and then hang up on me? Immature man, very immature. Im trying to do everything i can to move on and shes starting to be a dick about everything. Oh well, I've lost for now.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

7:12PM - rhhhhtrhhjhnytj

The insomnia is fucking murder on me, and when i actually sleep, the nightmares are horrific. My body is starting to fail....i already had a lot on my shoulders, and when she was by my side, the burdens were not so hard to carry...but now that she is gone....i reached my breaking point...i always knew i depended on her alot internally, and i was always afraid to depend to much...because of something like this...everytime someone lifts me up inside, they take me down three times more....its ridiculus, and it will just keep happening...ive lost my hope, and ive lost myself....yeah sure ill keep working and going to school and acting like nothings wrong....

But on the inside...im gone....ive completely lost myself and my will to do anything...i work because i have too..i am continuing school because i have too...if i faltered in either, i would be letting a whole lot of other people besides myself down...

but oh how many times havei thought of dropping unf and just going to work everyday instead.................

Like i said....ive lost more than just the person that meant the most to me in this world...ive lost myself...and i hate me for letting it go.

Monday, July 9, 2007

1:26PM - man

i wish i knew how to handle all this shit....

at least im not handling it with alcohol or drugs...thats the one bright spot in all this...that after a couple days of binge drinking to cope...i stopped...which is good...because alcohol, weed...nothing can make it all disappear, no matter how appealing it may seem.....

But god it is appealing...

Sunday, July 8, 2007

6:43PM

im tired...tired of everything.........

and im scared...for once ive never been so terrified...

and you know what?

im getting to the point where nothing matters anymore

And thats ok too....ill just force myself to do what im supposed to do

And maybe one day when i keep giving to someone, ill get equal respect in return...

But until that day, i hope the world burns to the goddamn ground...

Is this some kind of twisted game, or am i the one just waiting for it to be a demented version of myself playing me to be the pawn?

No...im not the pawn..because i actually care...and maybe karma will reward me for that in the end...

The end...i wish it were now...but my wishes and desires are of no haste right now...hell im always one for helping others...

And ill continue to be that way...but for now...

The shrink is on wednesday...maybe she can help me get my life back together before i do something stupid again like a few days ago....

but i guess it is best that i just rot and keep on keepin on...it just sux that everytime i think everything is going good, something occurs to destroy it....

And im really tired of that...

So for now, let the world burn...

1:45PM

each day that passes my mind deteriorates that much more....the days are getting longer and the nights hard to bear.....

i know there are others out there...but theres only one of her..and i gave her my all, my everything...and she took it all and threw it in the garbage...and i would have given her a lot moer....i knew we were different in areas, but i loved that about us...that no matter what we were always able to get through things together and be good to each other....and our love was crazy...like insane....there was nothing better in this world than to sit there and hold her or curl up on her in the bed....everything in my life that was stressful just went away when i was with her...and she over and over again seemed so in love with that too...even when she was falling for that loser....

But alas...theres nothing left of me now....she took it all from me...and soon she will be taking my only other love too...and yes i love that dog with everything i can...lou loves me and my flaws just like i loved christina and all of her flaws...because they are what made her up as a person....and ill never stop loving her....

but this is the only thing ive ever wanted so bad...and as usual...i cant have it...

8:00AM - damn

you know what? Sometimes its hard to do the simplest thing....like breathe....

Saturday, July 7, 2007

1:54PM - damn

its really hard to believe everything that has happened...especially because i remember everything we talked about and how great things seemed when we spent that one night at the beach...that night was amazing...she seemed so happy to be with me and so promising to me with everything she said to me and how she held me and how peaceful it was...but sadly...all that was a game...

She lied to me with everything she said to me and cried to me about...and you know what? I think she was lying to herself as well

How bad did i want that peace to continue and for me to just keep holding her? Really bad...

How bad to i want her to come back?

Its all i can think about....

Thursday, July 5, 2007

2:57PM - aghsdfh

for the last four months she has been running from me. maybe she was unhappy with me. I tried to make her happier, helli tried to talk to her, and she just ignored me...four months she has ignored me, never wanting to talk about anything in her mind...i always came to her...sometimes a little late, but within a month or two i came and laid everything out on the table with what i was ging through...and i only waited because i wanted to know what i was going through to be able to better help her understand...and she refused to listen or work things with me or give me her thoughts on what she might have wanted....so that unhappy together for a while excuse isnt going to work, because all she had to do was stop running and confront me sometimes...its not like i would have been pissed, i hardly ever react in anger to her...and when i did, i was calm about it...

But the last six weeks she lied to me, ignored me and refused anyhting i tried to give her, no matter how much i sacrificed or gave up for her, it was not good enough....anytime i tried to talk to her in a sensible manner, she refused that too, shed ignore me or run from me, or get pissed, or smoke weed...never wanting to figure anyhting out...and you know what? I tried...i tried fucking realllll hard...and she just blew it all away and said "Fuck you Justin, i dont care about you or our relationship, and i dont respect you enough to come be an adult and talk to you about anything"

SO i guess she hasnt wanted or cared about me or this relationship for awhile..and the worst part about it was i didnt see it coming...it sucks to give someone a part of you that you wouldnt give to anyone, and then on top of that, sacrifice almost all of yourself to try and make things easier on them, to make them happier....and then they just say its not good enough...or "i dont want to work things out, this guys making me happy...and i dont care to work things with you to try and make them better...."

And you know what? If she had been a little more grown up to try and talk to me and get through a rough spot, her and i could have been real happy together...but she didnt want to stand up and confront any issues she had with me..instead she got scared and ran away...as sensible of a person as i am, and as much as i understand things, she wouldnt even allow me the chance to say "Oh, ok, i see whats going on with you now, well what can i do to help this get gone?"

So she didnt want to sort things out with me, abused me by ignoring me...hell she said i always ignored her...but anytime she came to me i listened...and anytime she talked about how she was upset over something little I would tell her to stop being upset over it and to not let little things like that get to you, you need to be stronger....but anytime she came to me upset over something real, i was there..always.,...until lately, when she refused to talk to me about anyhting....

And now the finger of blame for everything is pointed at me? I tried to sort things out, to talk, to be an adult about things, to try and see the light and understand, no matter the toll it took on me....i gave her that because i love her and care about her and wanted to be there for her...and what did i get? The cold shoulder, some lame ass excuse, a lie, and then the middle finger...and now finally the blame? I dont agree with that...i fought my ass off for her and sacrificed a hell of a lot for her and all she did was kep giving herself excuses and run away...

So after the betrayal, the lies, the selfishness, the childishness, the stupidity...she left me broken and destroyed, and without a care in the world, except that cameron made her happy...well i can tell you this, anytime any problems come up, shes just gonna run...

And you know what? I grew up alot in the last three or four years...ive been forced to..ive taken on responsibilities that no teenager/kid should have, and i grew up alot...i dont mean im grown and fully mature.or that im the only one like this..but you know what? Everyone else was right...im the one thats always had my life together no matter the stones thrown my way, im the one that always sacrificed myself for those i cared about, im the one that has been living in a mans shoes since before i even knew her...so you know what? Her immaturity and the childish ways she handled herself, our relationship and me are no longer an excuse...and everyone i know agrees with me...so guess what? Time to stop running.

Im not pointing a finger at her, even though she never came and talked to me...and im not pointing the finger at me either...because this is by no means my fault because i worked my ass off to make things better....i point it partially at her, and partially at myself for refusing to see this coming after she fooled and betrayed me the first time...

Time to grow up christina, and nothing you are really doing is acting very mature. Go ahead, dont listen to me and scream i dont know you or that i dont know whats going on, or that i dont know anything, or make up some excuse or say that im immature or have some other defense mechanism or go get high or go be happy with him...say i keep running to your mom, when im not, i can just talk to her and she can talk to me when we actually do talk, and im not using her to get you back, so you and cameron can get that out of your minds..im not going to beg or get your goddamn mom to bring you back...thats stupid, sorry im close to your mom and feel as if she really is a second mom to me and sorry i like to be honest with her, shes always honest to me....i didnt deserve this....you know that, and you also know that i would have given the whole world to you if you came and asked me for it or talked to me about it...after all. i loved you enough to drop all my friends to be with you....and i never faulted you or got mad at you or was miserable for it....but now the misery is home for real...you refused to let me please you or make you happy, you refused to even TRY to work out things...all you did was run while i waited for you...and you know what? I shouldnt have done that...but i know what real love is, and i know that it takes work and that its not perfect, i know that people arent perfect and i loved your flaws...i know that being in love is hard and full of good and bad times...and i know that my love for you was never ending...and still is, and i would have worked through anyhting with you because my entire being was in you...and i know that when shit goes bad and one is in love and things are worked out, it only makes the relationship stronger....but you didnt want to accept real love, you wanted fairy tale land, and you know what?

It doesnt exist. I love you and always will, and even though its hard, i forgive you for all the wrongs you have done me. Why? Because I love you, and because i know that its better to forgive and move on than sit in reprisal. I may be depressed and feel like commiting suicide, but i never fault you for the way i feel...i lvoe you, and may you grow up some and live a better life...life is not easy and nothing comes on a silver spoon like you've had it so far...so i hope you learn that one valuable lesson...but no matter what i will always love you, and you will always have that piece of me i refused to give to anyone..even to you at first. he may tell you exactly what you want to hear and it may seem real comforting to you, but in the end, when life slaps you in the face like it did to me, you will understand. because it slapped me with the harshness months ago.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

8:49AM - gddg

God it hurts so fucking bad.....................

7:45AM

my head is so fucked up...i feel so fucking worthless....useless...pathetic....

i even went to the lengths of wrapping a belt around my throat and hanging myself in my closet...after a minute or so...i stopped and said to myself, "what the hell are you doing?" "this is one of the stupidest things you can do! What about mom, david, drew, your friends?" So, choking, i took it off....im in such a hell hole right now and i cant get out....

all i can do is rot and try to force myself to do normal things...like eating and sleeping and going to fucking work....

speaking of work...i fractured my goddamn finger, well just below the finger neasr the palm yesterday...

like i said, im fucking worthless, pathetic, useless and above all...a piece of fucking shit....

Monday, July 2, 2007

4:45PM

these bottles of wine are sooo damn good, i already finished one and am almost done with the second..one more to go...i havent had wine this good in a long time now...but they chase away everything..even death

3:51PM

ill be ok tonight, i just went and bought three big bottles of wine...so, ill sleep deep tonight

12:53PM

i have finally gotten some motivation to clean my house a little...it wa destroyed...and plus i almost went on a rampage last night and destroyed more..bur icooled myself off and chilled out...and of course finished of the rest of the vodka i the freezer..so it helped me sleep for three hours...

3:33AM

Im not going to be able to take this pain much longer...its too great..ive never wanted to die so bad in my life...my god it hurts...it hurts so bad that im actually feeling physical pain....icant sleep...cant eat....cant breathe....my tears just run down my face ever constantly...i cant do this much longer....i just...cant........................................................................................

Sunday, July 1, 2007

6:02PM

man this is crazyyyy...her mom just called me crying...man i dont get her right now...you just dont alienate family because you feel like you are in love with someone else...this is crazy....family is blood...and blood is thicker than anything...no matter what ever may happen, you cant make family disappear...and running only makes things worse....but running is the easy way out until you finally confront it...and by that point...its at its worst point...running away from problems always makes things worse..i know that from experience...so doesmy mom, her mom...and any other sane adult...this is crazy...ive never seen her this childish man...she really needs to get her act together...no guy should ever come between her and her family..especially if shes only known him for a month or two...this has gone beyond me and her...and though she may try to blame this all on me...shes making all the decisions...but hey...ill still be here for her, and her family..for whatever reasons...

But man is this crazy......she thinks shes so grown and has all the answers...man...i know how that feels though...its time for her to wake up and smell the coffee...but she wont...she wont listen to anyone no matter the circumstances...oh well...i hate to see all this happen...but what am i to do? i cant do anything except offer my hand when she needs it....

blood is thicker than water, no matter how horrible a family can be...her mom loves her more than anything in this world....but to her....its not like that...she thinks its all about control...

Time to see nobodys trying to control you...and this time telling you what you want to hear is not acceptable.

But i know one person who will tell her what she wants to hear...and thats going to be wayyyyy more appealing than what anyone else has to say...

She makes her own decisions...and she never accepted advice well anyways...not from me, her mom, nor my mom...

But still i am here for her...no matter the circumstances.

4:14PM - jhftyv

man ive never had so much trouble working...im working twice as slow as i normally do...

this is killing me man....im trying so hard to not lose it and go crazy.........................................

2:29PM

in the end, ill always be here for you.

The pain is unbearable, but its okay.

I will make sure you are always on your feet and the mountains you have to climb in life will always be easier because i will be there to carry you when you cannot push on...Ill be there to make sure your feet are on the ground because they go into the clouds often...and life is here on the ground.

No matter what baby...my safe home will always be in you...and this heart, this home i have, this life i have...is yours too when ever you need it.

So dont worry about me...ill push on even when there is nobody to carry me, because i have done it my whole life. I have ran with the devil and almost died doing it...i lived in the clouds and went after things i thought would make me happier...usually theydidnt...but i pushed on...when i found you...you grabbed hold of a part of me i was afraid to give away...and you still have it...always will have that part of me...so when the days grow dark...ill be the light you need...when the nights grow cold, my arms and love will warm you...when you are lost ill guide you...when you are afraid, ill chase everything away....hungry? ill feed you. hurt? Ill heal you. Broke? Ill support you.

No matter the stakes...no matter the costs...no matter the circumstances...im going to be there...not to make you hunger for me, or to try and make you see what you "could" be missing out on....but to show you that i always cared and always will...to show you that ill quiet the demons, the storms, and the pain inside you...you may not have saw me as a friend and a lover...but i saw it...and though you took that part from me...the other still remains..ill always want you back, and ill always welcome you back...but im not going to beg, not giong to ask..and not going to mention it..and im not going to try and make you feel bad.....though you may not know the future with him...you know what we could have had...and itll still be here if things fall out of place...but until then...and if that ever occurs, just know that im

"a tree, roots firm in dirt"

and that me and my home will always be a safe haven for you with no strings attached...i respect you and always have and no matter what ever happened between us, i always did...which is why i never did more than raise my voice at you...which is why i never hit you...which is why i am here for you...

My love for you is boundless and everlasting...i knew teh difference between love and "in love" after i met you and no longer concerned myself with katie...i lvoed her, am in love with you.....and because i am grown and have been grown for a while now...i can better be there for you...

Never hesitiate to call, to come over, to chill, to talk to me, to ask me for anything....never hesitate to be comfortable with me...never hesitate to call on me in a time of need, no matter how petty it may seem...im here..and am not going anywhere...i love you and am strong for the both of us...i have been for awhile..and ill continue to be that way...

Get your life together, grow up some, balance your fun and priorities and remember that im here for YOU...

ok?

May peace be with you...

" An it harm none, do as ye will"

12:56PM - dfhgsdfh

if he ever hurts her in any kind of way ill break his fucking neck and cut off his balls.

She'll always have a place here, whenever she needs me, ill be there for her...till the end of time

My love for her has not gotten weaker...only stronger in recent days...and no matter what, ill always love her and take care of her..forget about how she has treated me...i know she loves and cares about me...if she didnt she wouldnt be hurting so bad for what she is doing to me...but hey thats how it goes...i cant change it andi wont try...all i can do is show her that this is always a safe and positive place for her..whether we be together or not...

But some of the things i will miss the most will be waking up and seeing how she reacts when i kiss her and tell her goodbye in the mornings....or going to wal mart with her to get food...or just holding her and cuddling with her...or smacking her ass and watching it jiggle...

Hell ill miss everything about her...even her anger...which she has a lot of...

But this is now, not then...shes has a lot of growing up to do...and her mom, my mom, will...have all told me this...and that if she doesnt do a little growing up, then we wont be together ever again...and they were right...she may not see that...but she does have a lot of growing up to do...shes never had to really do anything on her own...and maybe this is the time for that...lifes not easy..its been hell since i was thrown to the wolves ten months ago...but hey, she needs to witness that for herself...and ill still be here to help her in any way i can....she is and will remain to be the biggest part of my life...without her i am nothing...and it sucks...but thats just the way that is too...

I love her more than anything...no person will change that...i found her and im not going to lose her...no matter the costs.

10:06AM

secure and hold fast...before you lose control...

its hell and high water
believe in gods hooves horns and thunder
Days of wrath dont go seeking shelter
poison creeps serpents slither then slumber
bastards paradise true the bargain was made
full thrust enticed to an early grave
Deals were struck on a cold winters eve
The table was set, laid out for the feast

Secure and hold ast before you lose control

Head on to heartache, beware of the promises made
Head on to heartache, steadfast to an early grave, let them rot

Deals with the devil theres no second best
its in my nature to say fuck the rest
bastards paradise true the bargain was made
full thrust enticed to an early grave
deals were struck on a cold winters eve
the table was set laid out for the feast

secure and hold fast before you lose control

Head on to heartache, beware of the promises made
head on to heartache, steadfast to an early grave let them rot
head on to heartache, beware of the promises made
head on to heartache, steadfast to an early grave, let them rot

let them fucking rot, let em rot!

let them rot, let them rot, let them rot, let them rot, let them rot, let them rot

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